Stuff I’ve Learned from Experience…

  • If a wasp goes up your shorts, you are in real trouble.
  • A slinky can be wrapped around a swing set several times. But it stops being a slinky. It becomes a mess. A very bad mess, and you will not get a new one!
  • Just because you are given a white rabbit and you are a very cute little girl does not mean that you can name the rabbit snowball. You can be outvoted, even when you stick your lip out.
  • Fathers, even very clever ones, cannot always hide blood on a white rabbit.
  • Stray tomcats are bad for rabbits. Very bad.
  • Singing a solo in church is a small price to pay for an Annie wig. But Annie wigs don’t last forever.
  • A giant tortoise can be carried home on a Honda 50. It can also be carried RIGHT BACK, though that trip is much less fun.
  • Bull Nettle hurts for a very long time. Riding through it on a motorcycle is like the kiss of death.
  • A little brother can survive being launched from a trampoline and landing head first on the ground. A big sister might have trouble believing this and tell her mother that little brother is dead. This is an unpleasant experience for everyone involved.
  • Dogs don’t like it when you blow in their faces.
  • When Granny says not to bite into something, you should listen. Garlic is one of those things, no matter how much you think you will like it.
  • Horses are fun animals to feed by hand. Emus are not.
  • Emus like pickles. But they prefer fingers.
  • Learning to crisscross your feet when skating is a feat worth celebrating with a booty shake. Falling down while doing it backward is a feat worth putting that booty on a bag of ice. But hey, you get a pickle. Maybe you should feed the Emu.
  • If you put your foot on a copperhead’s head, you eventually have to take it off.
  • Boys lie for two reasons. 1. To get something they want. 2. To avoid getting something they don’t want.
  • Girls lie for many reasons. And they are better at it.
  • The “sticks and stones” verse is a lie.
  • You are not as pretty, smart or talented as your parents say you are. But somewhere there is someone who thinks you are. You should marry him.
  • Parents can tell the difference between falling in and jumping in. It is not acceptable to jump into any body of water that requires you to actually “break” the surface.
  • Black mud is slimy. No matter how much mind control you have, you won’t like it between your toes. It also tastes bad when someone throws it in your mouth.
  • Mean people are costumes with sad people hiding in them.
  • If you get a phone call at exactly six in the morning, you will get bad news.
  • You don’t know how much you love your little brother until you almost lose him.
  • Pain is a relative thing. And relatives cause most of it.
  • If you eat too many green apples you will get a tummy ache. If you throw up those apples, you will get a sore throat.
  • Being alone is wonderful. Staying alone isn’t.
  • A larger house holds a larger mess.
  • Puppies don’t care how expensive laptop cords are.
  • Taking a break from writing a novel is nice, but eventually you have to get back to work.
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~ by Rachel McMahon on September 9, 2011.

2 Responses to “Stuff I’ve Learned from Experience…”

  1. Rachel, I absolutely got a kick out of your list! It made me laugh several times reflecting back on my childhood and growing up with my older sister and younger brother.

    This was by far my favorite:

    “A little brother can survive being launched from a trampoline and landing head first on the ground. A big sister might have trouble believing this and tell her mother that little brother is dead. This is an unpleasant experience for everyone involved.”

    We had a very similar experience at our house about 20 years ago….only, I was the one that was launched. 🙂

    -David

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