The Answers to your Questions

Dear Rachel,

I hate to hear that you’ve eaten all my chocolate, not only because I was so looking forward to enjoying it, but because it is likely to break you out and make you fat. If you happen to frequent the store again, please go ahead and pick some more up. It’s more difficult for me to do it myself, you see. Most men don’t recognize me, but women tend to glare.

To answer your question, no, I never said you were ugly. I am not, however, one to sugar coat anything. If your pants won’t button, perhaps you should take my advice and stop taking my chocolate.

It does my heart good to hear that you are sentimental about seeing me. I remember the first time I visited you, and I thought then that you would never welcome me. I do apologize for coming to your middle school and surprising you the way I did and for not warning you I was coming. I’ve never felt less welcome anywhere in my life. The way you hid my presence from all your friends made it perfectly clear how you felt.

It also hurt my feelings when you didn’t invite me to your wedding. I’m told that you actually planned it around my visit. Can you think of anything more hurtful than that? But don’t worry; I haven’t been put off seeing you.

I can’t think of any reason for you to cry over bacon or chipmunks. Perhaps the chubby cheeks on the chipmunks remind you of how chubby you are? Bacon, of course, only adds to that. Also, bacon comes from pigs. I’m sure you see the connection. I wouldn’t put too much thought into it. Your husband says you cry at odd things (including insurance commercials?) every time I come. As for you crying during “Saved by the Bell” … Was it perhaps the episode where Jessie takes the sleeping pills? When she sings “I’m so excited, I’m so excited, I’m so … scared”. Well, it chokes me up, too.

If your back is giving you pains, you should take your medicine. I know you resist it, but you’re not getting any younger. Why, Mena was just in here inquiring about this letter. When she saw the reference to “Saved by the Bell” her eyes lit up. She immediately put you on her list. I’ve informed her that I decide when my time is finished, but she just cackled and cranked up that bloody machine of hers. I must warn you, she does like to pop in and let people know she’ll be coming soon.

Mena disrupts my visits when she can. She’s jealous, you see, because no one is ever happy to see her. I, however, have earned many screams of joy. Imagine my glee upon hearing someone shout, “Oh, thank God!” at my arrival. This seems to happen most often among college women. They must be so lonely after leaving home. On these visits, we drink wine, and my host calls all her friends to tell them that I’ve arrived. I can hear the happiness that comes through the phone. I don’t point it out to be rude, but I don’t recall you ever doing that.

I must go now and pack for my visit. Don’t worry if you feel crabby. You can always blame it on me.

Aunt Flo


~ by Rachel McMahon on January 22, 2014.

2 Responses to “The Answers to your Questions”

  1. Perspective. The greatest tool of the author when welded with such skill.

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